Just a thought
by ylemon
Summary: Just a thought that had crossed my mind. A very short piece about Tommy and Barbara's ambiguous feelings. Rated M for language.
1. Tommy

He felt fine. He had come to the office to see Hillier and settle a few things in view of his return to work and he had found himself the center of interest of almost anyone he met. So here he was, now, standing in the corridor, chatting with his colleagues who wanted to know when he'd be back, inquiring in return about the on-going investigations and the latest office news. Being in office, talking to his colleagues made him feel at home. The last months since his aggression had been terrible. He hadn't had too much trouble to cope with the psychological part of it, a few sessions with a psychologist was all it took but the pain…,the pain had been terrible. He had intentionally limited his consumption of pain killers for they were strong and presented a risk of one becoming addicted to them and the last thing he wanted was to become an addict. Drugs had almost destroyed his brother and their menacing presence was still hovering over his family. At first he'd manage to cope thinking that he just needed time to heal but then, there had been the physiotherapy. One who thinks of physiotherapy as sweet massages is deeply mistaken. It's hard, it's long and it's painful. Oh God, was it painful!, especially when the physiotherapist made his stiffened knee bend. During the first sessions he'd clenched his teeth as hard as he'd been able to but he had soon realized it would only lead to his breaking all his teeth so he'd surrendered and stopped holding back his cries. He knew it had to be done lest he'd be left with a stiff leg but that was a meager consolation. But eventually the pain had receded and he had regained control over his own body to the point where he could consider going back to London and to work. So, here he was, at New Scotland Yard, relaxing with his peers, chatting happily with them. He was glad to see them but the one person who he was really looking forward to meeting was still missing. And then as he turned his head in laughter he saw her. She was standing in the middle of the corridor, motionless.

'Ah! Havers.'

He said it casually, as if their last meeting had taken place the very morning and not 4 months ago. He smiled and went to her, and as he walked he couldn't help but notice how startled she looked. She made him think of a deer caught in car headlights. He was afraid she'd turned on her heels and run away. The distance between them was short, a few paces, but thoughts were running in his head. First came the memory of the wonderful moment when he had seen her face leaning over him, soothing him in a soft voice, telling him he would be safe. Then came the realization that he had actually not seen her, nor talked to her since a very long time, and he felt the urge to hold her in his arms and thank her. He certainly was not the kind of man to publicly express his feelings, and she certainly was not the kind of woman to gracefully receive public display of affection, but his heart ached with an overflow of feelings. When he reached her his cheerfulness had vanished and he felt tears coming to his eyes. Barbara had lowered her gaze and he couldn't see her eyes. He could hardly speak, but he managed to mutter:

'Barbara, I am going to do something you… probably won't like but… forgive me…'

_Damn and blast_, he cursed inwardly. He sounded just like a teenager struggling to express his feelings to his first love interest. He felt stupid but then she looked up and met his gaze, and he saw that she had tears in her eyes, those beautiful eyes of hers, and he regained enough composure to finish his little speech.

'Barbara, I'm going to hold you tight and kiss you. And I know you'll find this utterly embarrassing and you'll probably be mad at me but I don't care, I'll do it anyway because you saved my life, again, and I really want to do it.'

He suited the action to the word, held her and pressed his lips on her cheek in a long and tender kiss. He could feel Barbara tensing up so he ended his kiss, whispered "Thank you so much, Barbara" in her ear in a low, hoarse voice and reluctantly let go of his embrace. He feared her reaction, maybe he'd gone too far, but he saw her blush when their colleagues teased them at the cry of "Look at the loving birds!", "Tommy, give the lady a real kiss!" and he felt a bout of manly pride for he was sure that not so many men had made Barbara Havers blush. He couldn't help but smile. "Let them talk, Barbara. They only wish they were as lucky as I am to have a friend like you. " Before he could say more Hillier's secretary came to let him know the Assistant Commissioner wanted to see him. He had no choice but to follow her.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Luckily the meeting with Hiller had been short. Lynley had had some difficulty to focus on the matters discussed and when Hillier had noticed it he had blamed the painkillers. The truth was, however, that the painkillers were not to blame. Barbara Havers was. Lynley was worrying about his partner's reaction, or lack thereof. He knew he had shunned her during his recovery, just as he had shunned about everyone else. It was a matter of self-preservation for him. He had done the same after Helen's death. He had hoped Barbara would understand that. But maybe she hadn't. She had not reacted at all when they had finally met again, not a move, not a single word. Not even when he had held her close against his chest, or kissed her. What had she thought? What had she felt? He had no idea. The only thing Lynley knew was his own feelings and thoughts and they quite puzzled him. At the beginning of his partnership with Barbara he had merely tolerated her, but over the years he had come to appreciate his partner to the point he wouldn't have wanted to work with anyone else. And during all this time he had never thought of her as a possible lover, but when he had felt Barbara's body against his, her soft skin under his lips he'd realized that, had they not been in plain sight of their colleagues he would have aimed for her lips, and took her mouth in a long, deep, passionate kiss. But maybe she wouldn't have let him. Maybe she didn't feel the same. As he sat now in his office, he tried to analyze the situation. He had to admit that there was a more than reasonable doubt that he was in love with his long-time partner. He would have never thought this moment would come. She was not beautiful, at least according to the fashion standard of the time, and her personal grooming seemed to be a deliberate attempt at making herself truly ugly. She was bad-tempered, had a problem with authority which he found hardly bearable, and he was all too aware that she loathed aristocracy and everything even remotely labeled upper-class. Still she had become more than a partner; she was one of his closest friend, and possibly even more than a friend to him now. He needed to sort this out. He needed to be sure it was truly love that he felt and not some peculiar feeling brought about by his aggression and his time away from Barbara. He also needed to find out about Barbara's feelings for him. She was so secretive and she belittled herself so much he was sure she had never allowed herself to think that some romance could blossom between them. He would need time and patience; he didn't want to rush things. First he needed to talk to Barbara, alone, but not in a too private place. A pub would be a good choice and it would allow them to get back into their old habit. The George and the Dragon would be perfect, not too far from the Yard but still far enough not to be a den of coppers. They won't stumble upon any of their acquaintance there. He went to Barbara's desk but she was not there so he took a Post-it and wrote rapidly over it his invitation: « Fancy a drink? Meet me at the George and the Dragon, 18:00. My treat. TL" He put the Post-it under the mouse of the computer where he knew Barbara couldn't miss it. He walked back to his office to retrieve his things before leaving, a small smile on his lips. The use of their old ritual phrase "Fancy a drink" felt so good. He realized he had not used it for a very long time because he saved it for Barbara and with this realization came the relief that his time away from her was over and the firm resolution that from now on he would be as close to her as she would allow him to.


	2. Barbara

There he was, standing in the middle of the corridor, surrounded by a little group, chatting happily.

She froze instantly. She was baffled, she didn't know what to do, what to say. What was she supposed to do? She was so happy to see him, standing on his own two feet, he looked pale though, and even slimmer than before. But he was alive. She still had nightmares about the night he'd been shot. They had both been running after a suspect when the man had pulled out a gun and shot at them. Lynley, who was closer, had been hit in the stomach and the leg just above the knee. Barbara had given him first aid, saving his life the A&E physician had told her. Lynley had been away for a long time, and had not given any news. Surely he had not needed her then, and he didn't need her now. He'd always been so discreet, almost secretive about what he thought or felt. She reckoned it was due to his education. She was so damn glad to see him, but felt awkward, somewhat out of place. She was considering going back the way she'd just come when he turned his head and saw her.

'Ah! Havers.'

He smiled at her and went to meet her.

All the chatter ceased as the people around watched the partners meet again. Barbara felt their gaze upon her, and she started to panic. But Lynley was already standing in front of her. His smile was gone and he was staring at her. She lowered her gaze to the floor.

'Barbara…'

His voice was soft but unsteady.

'Barbara, I am going to do something you… probably won't like but… forgive me…'

He was struggling with his words. This was so unlike him that Barbara looked up to his face. His eyes were shiny as if he were holding back tears. She felt a big lump in her throat, and she could feel the tears building up in her eyes but didn't want to cry in front of everyone in this corridor.

'Barbara, I'm going to hold you tight and kiss you. And I know you'll find this utterly embarrassing and you'll probably be mad at me but I don't care, I'll do it anyway because you saved my life, again, and I just feel like doing it.'

And as he's said, he did. He took her in his arms, holding her close, and put on her cheek a long, tender kiss. She didn't move. She _couldn't_ move. She was paralyzed, her heart pounding so strongly she was amazed she could hear Lynley whisper in her ear «Thank you so much, Barbara », before releasing his embrace. She thought she would fall on the floor when he stopped holding her but somehow she managed to stay on her feet. There were cheers and cries of "Look at the loving birds!", "Tommy, give the lady a real kiss!" She may have turned crimson for Lynley smiled at her and said:

'Let them talk, Barbara. They only wish they were as lucky as I am to have a friend like you. '

The friendly banter stopped when Hillier's secretary appeared and told Lynley the Assistant Commissioner wanted a word with him. Lynley followed her and everybody came back to work except Barbara who was still frozen in the middle of the corridor. She shook out of her reverie and rushed into the Ladies.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

What had he said? That she'd be mad at him? Well, mad wasn't giving the mood she was in any justice. She was beside herself with anger, absolutely livid. How had he dared? What had he be thinking? He had no sodding right to do that! Bastard! Conceited, snobbish, upper-class twit! She had spent all these years working with him, secure in the knowledge that there was absolutely no chance of him flirting with her. So what was THAT? He had held her so close she should have imprinted her body on his. And he'd made his kiss last much longer than friendship or even gratitude would have dictated. Was he really flirting or was she deluding herself? She had always known better than falling for him for they were worlds apart. But when she had felt his hands on her, the pressure of his lips against her cheek, the whisper of his voice in her ear, God, had that felt wonderful! He had thought she would be embarrassed by his public display of affection but it was not embarrassment she had felt. It'd been desire. Genuine sexual desire. But, bloody hell,it was Lynley ! She wasn't supposed to desire him. She couldn't afford to desire him. The bloke was abso-bloody-tely off limit. The ultimate forbidden fruit. He was her colleague, he was her superior officer, he was the best friend she'd ever had, he was a sodding earl! They were so poles apart he could be an alien from outer space. His breeding, his education, his family, his money, the easiness with which he moved in a world of luxury and elegance, everything about him told her of a world so different from her own. And the way he looked. She had always thought he looked like a Greek god. In blond. He was the most handsome man she'd ever met. She regularly felt like a toad near him. And usually she didn't care. But not now, not today. Today she would have like to be different, lovelier, classier. She forced herself to look at her reflection in the mirror. Her hair was of a nice sandy colour but her kitchen-scissor-made cut was a disaster. Her eyes were too small and would need to be highlighted with make-up before anyone could notice they were intelligent and of a beautiful shade of blue. A common nose. She quite liked her mouth, finely drawn but she often pursed her lips thus looking cantankerous. _Oh yeah, we would really be a wonderful couple!,_ she sneered.

She admonished herself aloud:

'Come on Barb, pull yourself together. Don't fantasize. He sees you as a good mate, nothing more. He's just a tad emotional. Considering his aggression and his wounds that's pretty normal. It means nothing. Absolutely, definitely nothing.'

She splashed cold water on her face, arranged her clothes and got out of the toilet firmly decided to get on with her life as usual. But first she would celebrate her renewed resolution with a fag. She went to her desk to retrieve her cigarette packet. She noticed that Lynley was nowhere to be seen. _He must still be with Hillier_, she reflected as she drew out of her bag her packet and her lighter. She went to her usual spot, in the staircase, checked that no one was there and lit her cigarette. Usually she smoked rapidly to reduce the risk of being caught but this time she took her time. _To hell with the regulation!_, she thought. She needed to calm her nerves and, save a chocolate bar, only tobacco could do. The cigarette once again did its soothing job and when she came back to her office she was completely relaxed. As she sat at her desk she noticed a Post-It under her mouse. She put the mouse aside and read.

"Fancy a drink? Meet me at the George and the Dragon, 18:00. My treat. TL"

She felt her blood rush to her head and her heart beat faster and stronger. She swore inwardly. Things would never be the same.


	3. At the George and the dragon

Author's note: My intention when I started to write this story was to end it with Barbara's point of view and let the readers imagine how the meeting at the George and the dragon would go. But a majority of reviewers wanted me to write a third chapter and end the story in a more "conventional" way. So here it is. Hope you'll enjoy it.

* * *

><p>It was a chilly autumn evening. A cold drizzle had started to fall and people in the streets were hurrying along, impatient to reach a warm and comfortable place. For some it was home, for others it was a pub. At the George and the dragon the atmosphere was cosy and the patrons, mostly employees who came to gather around a pint between colleagues, friendly. They had come here to relax and fits of laughter erupted from time to time coming from one group or the other. A lone figure seated in a dark corner didn't share the ambient good spirits. Rather the man seemed to be the embodiment of loneliness and sadness. A steak-and-kidney pie was cooling in his plate, barely touched. Even the flirtatious looks a gorgeous woman was throwing him couldn't lift his spirit.<p>

It was 7:05 pm. Barbara had not come.

Lynley had tried several times to reach her on the phone but she hadn't answered. She hadn't even replied to his text message. He'd killed the time with a pint, then a second, then he'd thought he might as well eat something but had found out that he had no appetite. Looking at his plate he decided that a cold steak-and-kidney pie was the most depressing dish in the world. He pushed back his plate, emptied his third pint, paid the bill, left a generous tip and went out. The rain was falling stronger and he didn't have an umbrella. He turned the lapels of his coat, thrust his hands into his pockets and walked towards the nearest taxi rank. He didn't care about the rain soaking him through, he barely noticed it running down his face and, after all, it was the perfect weather for this evening, it perfectly matched his mood. He was about to turn the corner of the road when he heard someone shout behind him:

'Sir! Sir! Tommy! Sir!'

He turned and saw a disheveled, soaked to the skin Barbara Havers running towards him.

'Sorry,' she panted, 'no more battery…couldn't reach you…'

'Didn't you just call me Tommy?'

'Tom..? No.'

'Are you sure?'

'Yeah, absolutely, Sir.'

'It's strange, I could have sworn…'

'Must have been the wind in your ears.'

'Probably. Well, that's a shame.'

'Didn't you offer to invite me to the pub?''

'Indeed. Let's go inside so you can dry yourself.'

They went back to the pub and the table Lynley had left only two minutes before.

'I'm sorry, Sir, but Ardery had called a meeting at 5:30 and we finished at nearly half past six. I rushed here but couldn't find a parking space. I've turned around the block at least four times. I wasn't sure you would still be here.'

'And I wasn't sure you would come.'

'Why not? I never say no to a free drink.'

Lynley smiled.

'I get the point. Do you want something to eat with your drink?'

'I thought you'd never ask.'

Ten minutes later Barbara was munching her scampi under the fixed gaze of Lynley.

'I've something on the face?' she asked.

'Sorry?'

'You're staring at me as if I had one of those scampi stuck on my nose.'

'I'm just glad to see you. It's been a long time.'

'I tried to contact you.'

'I know.'

'You didn't give any news. Not a phone call. Not even an email.'

'To say what? I'm in pain? I've undergone a second surgery because the first one had been a failure? I don't know if I'll be able to use my right knee as before? What would have been the point?'

'There are people out there who care for you, who you left completely in the dark as to your state of mind or physical condition! If it hadn't been for your mother we wouldn't even have known you were still alive!'

Lynley didn't reply at once. This evening was going from bad to worse. Barbara was now truly angry with him.

'You knew I was alive; you saved me. I needed to be alone, Barbara. It's part of the healing process for me. It may sounds absurd but I can't stand people's compassion and empathy. It was the same after Helen's death. But I missed you.'

'You missed me? But it was your fault! You're the one who didn't take the phone when I called, who didn't reply to my emails or text messages. You decided to shun everyone and, now, you say you missed me! It serves you right! You're a sodding egoist. You don't give a damn what the others could feel. You nearly died on me in this back alley. I thought I would lose you. After, I needed to see you, to talk to you, to be near you but you didn't care because you weren't in the mood. It's you, always you! Well I won't worry about you anymore. Thanks for the dinner.'

She got up quickly and rushed outside. Lynley threw a £20 bill on the table and ran after her. The wet pavement was slippery and running made him limp but he still ran faster than Barbara. He caught her by the shoulders and made her turn to face him. He couldn't tell if the water running down her cheeks was tears or rain drops. His heart sank.

'Barbara, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I'd no idea you'd take it so badly.'

'What did you think I'd feel? I thought we were friends. Friends are supposed to look after one another, no? No?'

'Yes, they are.'

'I would have been there for you, I wanted to be there, to help you but you didn't let me. You ignored me, rejected me and today…today you're trying to make me think I'm important, that I mean something for you. You're a complete bastard.'

Barbara wasn't shouting anymore but hearing her express coldly how she felt betrayed was even worse. Silent tears were flowing abundantly on her face. Lynley took her in his arms. Her whole body was shaking as she poured her heart out. Tommy caressed her neck and her back to soothe her. She put her arms around his waist and he began to kiss her forehead, her eyes, trailed his way down her cheek, trying to dry the flow of tears, until he finally kissed her lips.

'What are you doing?' she asked calmly.

'I'm kissing you. I've wanted to do this all day.'

'You're crazy.'

She smiled faintly. Tommy seized the opportunity.

'Probably. But what would life be without a bit of craziness in it? Do you want to be crazy with me?'

It was a rainy autumn night, the fog was coming down over the streets but Barbara would later swear that, at that very moment, she saw the sun shine, enveloping Tommy in its bright light, clearing all her doubts.

'I do.'

Tommy drew her closer to him and they kissed tenderly.


End file.
